


Snapshots From The End Of The World

by ElphieRix



Series: Horrible Coping Mechanisms For The End Of The World [4]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, But That Does Mean That Everything Here Is Just SAD, But The Author Has Their Own Baggage That Basically Makes That Impossible, Canon Compliant Until Avengers 4 Comes Out, Civil War Team Iron Man, Disassociation, Everyone Is Hurting In This Chili's Tonight, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Loki (Marvel), I Guess Just Don't Read It If You Think Steve Did Nothing Wrong, I Lied When I Was Tagging Earlier There Is Resolution To Be Found Here, Night Terrors, Oh boy is there a lot of angst, Other, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, The Author Tried Really Hard To Be Fair To Steve Rogers, There Is Character Death But Not Of Anyone I Actually Care About LMAO, There's No Resolution In Any Of These Stories Cause That's What The Main Fic Is For, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Is A Very Mentally Ill Boyo Kids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-05-13 07:30:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 14,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14744555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElphieRix/pseuds/ElphieRix
Summary: Nebula leans over the control panel, the flashing lights reflecting oddly off her exposed metal. “The gas tank’s ruptured,” she says, completely neutrally. “We shouldn’t have made that last jump.”“Can we fix it?”“We don’t have the parts.”“Can we get the parts?”Nebula pauses, thinking, and Tony stares at her for a long moment. Then he gets it.“Anywhere advanced enough to have what we need is gonna know who Thanos is. And who you are,” he says.Nebula cracks an angry smile. “They’d try and kill me. And then I would kill them.”-Extra scenes from "Horrible Coping Mechanisms For The End Of The World" including Tony and Nebula's extreme grief fuelled bonding experience and many many painful conversations. Continues beyond the end of the main series.





	1. Flight Of The Benatar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a prequel to Flight Of The Commodore detailing just how Tony and Nebula ended up on the Asgardian refugee ship and how their relationship got to where it's at when that story begins. You can read either first.

Tony stares at the ceiling of the lab. The lab? No, the ship. The ceiling - _the roof?_ \- of the ship. Is he on a ship? He’s not entirely sure where he is. And shouldn’t there be pain? Part of him is sure there should be pain.

 

He knows he is breathing. Is that a good thing? He can’t remember. Something pushes at the edge of his consciousness. It’s big and dark and sad. He lets it drift away from him.

 

It’s entirely possible that someone is talking to him. But then he blinks and that notion is gone. He stares at the ceiling of the lab. There’s duct tape holding some pipes together. Pepper wouldn’t like that, it’s not safe. Where is Pepper? He was going to tell her about his dream.

 

The big dark sad thing rears its head again. Tony pushes it away in irritation. He’s trying to remember where Pepper is. She’s on Earth, that’s right. She’s on Earth and she’s-

 

Tony snaps back into himself.

 

He’s on the Guardian’s ship but he can’t remember getting there. The last thing he remembers is Peter. Peter being gone and oh _there’s_ the pain. Hot and burning all down his left side. But it’s better to think about than the kid.

 

 _I bet Pepper’s gone too,_ whispers his guilt, coiling and clenching in his insides. _Pepper and Rhodey and Happy and Peter, all gone because YOU didn’t do enough._

 

Normally there’s another voice that answers his guilt, a voice that sounds like Pepper, a voice that sends the guilt back to its cage in the pit of his stomach, but she is gone now.

 

 _Gone, gone they’re all gone,_ sings his guilt victoriously.

 

He squeezes his eyes shut and somehow manages to sleep. He doesn’t dream.

 

He wakes up to the blue woman shaking him. The pain in his side is much worse than before and when he brings his hand down to touch the wound it comes back bright with blood. He stares at it. It is covered with blood and ashes. The very last remnants of Peter Parker, stained with his blood. He thinks he might throw up.

 

“You’re dying,” says the blue woman.

 

 _Good,_ he thinks.

 

 _You don’t deserve to die,_ says his guilt.

 

He uses almost the very last of the nanobots to reseal the wound and the blue woman frowns.

 

“You’re probably still going to die,” she says.

 

“I’m Tony. Tony Stark,” he rasps out to get her off the dying subject.

 

“Nebula,” she replies.

 

She walks back to the cockpit and Tony looks around the spaceship. It’s clearly been loved and lived in. There are pieces of the Guardians strew about: a games console, socks and sweaters and what may be a pair of underwear, an actual honest to fucking God Zune and something in the corner that he needs to take a closer look at but he is fairly certain is a bomb. It feels very wrong being in someone else’s home when they are not there. When they can’t be there.

 

He needs to piss.

 

Slowly, wincing as every moment tugs and twists at his side, he manoeuvres himself off the bed and makes his way in the direction of what looks to be a bathroom. He is almost at the door when Nebula says “Don’t open that unless you wanna be sucked into space. We’ve sustained damage all along that side of the ship.”

 

Tony regards the door thoughtfully. He doesn’t really mind the idea of being sucked into space, and as a way to go it certainly beats bleeding out when he inevitably runs out of nanobots. But Nebula would die too, so he dismisses the thought and goes to find a bucket to piss in.

 

Then he sleeps again. He dreams. In his dream he is watching Peter fade, and Peter is screaming. Screaming in pain and terror and crying like the child he still is and the very last thing he says before he disappears completely is “You did this”.

 

Tony wakes up to a crash and a yell of “FUCK”. Nebula is sitting near him, her right leg stretched out in front of her with its frayed wires and circuitry exposed. There is a broken jar filled with screws on the floor next to her. She is trying very hard not to look like she is in pain. If Tony wasn’t so experienced with burying his emotions he wouldn’t be able to tell.

 

“Need a hand?” He asks, to distract from the shooting agony in his side and the screaming of his guilt.

 

She jerks her head up to meet his gaze and though she tries to look impassive he can see the conflict written across her features.

 

“I built this y’know,” he says, tapping the arc reactor lightly. “The first time was in a cave.” She still looks unsure so he holds his hands up and says softly “I promise to stop as soon as you ask.”

 

“Fine.”

 

Tony bends over her mechanisms. It’s actually beautiful and before he can help himself he lets out a low whistle.

 

“Damn,” he finds himself saying. “This might just be the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. Seriously if I weren’t practically a married man...”

 

Nebula just stares at him incredulously.

 

It surprises him how much he enjoys tinkering with her leg, and then her arm, and then her other leg, and soon he has reconfigured nearly her whole body. It is when he is reconnecting some of the artificial tendons near her left elbow that the alarms begin to sound.

 

“Give me a second,” he says when Nebula starts towards the cockpit. Almost without thinking, Tony uses the last of his nanobots to shore up a connection he couldn’t replace and then he is done. “Okay, now go find out how we’re gonna die,” he says as he finishes.

 

Nebula leans over the control panel, the flashing lights reflecting oddly off her exposed metal. “The gas tank’s ruptured,” she says, completely neutrally. “We shouldn’t have made that last jump.”

 

“Can we fix it?”

 

“We don’t have the parts.”

 

“Can we get the parts?”

 

Nebula pauses, thinking, and Tony stares at her for a long moment. Then he gets it.

 

“Anywhere advanced enough to have what we need is gonna know who Thanos is. And who you are,” he says.

 

Nebula cracks an angry smile. “They’d try and kill me. And then I would kill them.”

 

Tony can feel himself starting to space out again. “That’s... nogood,” he manages. The pain from his side rises and crashes over him like a wave and he knows he’s bleeding again.

 

“Stark?” Nebula barks at him. “Use your robot things!”

 

“Can’t,” he says, gasping harshly, the air stinging his throat. “Used the last on your arm.”

 

Nebula blinks and looks at her arm, then back to him, aghast. “Why would you do that?” She asks dangerously.

 

“You needed it,” says Tony, shrugging weakly.

 

“Why trade your life to improve mine?”

 

He is too tired to be anything but honest. “I don’t know. But do me a favour? Don’t waste it, yeah?”

 

He knows she responds but he cannot hear her. He sinks down into the pain until it is roaring in his ears and his vision dances with white and he passes out.

 

When he wakes up he is tied to the bed. Somehow Nebula has managed to stanch his bleeding, but for some reason she has also tied him to the bed. She is nowhere to be seen. The cockpit is empty and he can’t see that much of anywhere else. He can’t even hear the constant whirring of her mechanical parts. There is nothing to do but stare up at the roof of the ship.

 

 _Guess she worked out who’s fault this all is,_ hisses his guilt, crawling around his windpipe and making his breathing tight.

 

Tony stares at the roof of the ship. His hands twitch slightly. With nothing to do he’s going to start thinking and he really really really doesn’t want to do that. Already he can hear the kid sobbing, begging for his life and Tony can’t think about that, he really can’t. If he remembers that then he’s done for. He’s hyperventilating just thinking about thinking about it and he can’t do this now and it’s unfair for him to even be thinking like this because he’s not the one that’s dead. Oh god the kid is DEAD. No, no he can’t do this now but as always that thought just makes things worse and now he can’t breathe and his heart is battering against his fake sternum and fuck and fuck and fuck he doesn’t want to die like this he doesn’t wanna go and oh god the kid the kid the kid the kid the kid the kid the-

 

“Stark!” Nebula’s voice sounds like it’s coming from very far away. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

 

The question is so ridiculous it pulls him partway out of the panic.

 

“I’m dying?” He chokes out.

 

“No,” says Nebula. “I owe you a debt.” She looks down at her arm, then at the ceiling, anywhere to avoid looking at him. Her hands twitch slightly. There is dried blood in the joints of her fingers. “My arm has been hurting for years. My legs have hurt ever since I’ve had them.” Finally her black eyes meet his own. “You took some of that pain away. I owe you a debt and you are not dying before I can repay it.”

 

“Okay,” says Tony, because there isn’t really anything else to say. “Why am I tied to the bed?”

 

“If you move you’ll hurt yourself. There is a distress beacon coming from a quadrant over, when we get there I’ll untie you.”

 

“Uh Smurfette, how exactly are we going to help them in a ship that’s falling apart?”

 

Nebula blinks at him. “You are very like Gamora,” she says.

 

“Yeah?” Says Tony before he realises what he’s saying. “She a hot mess too?”

 

Rage flickers across Nebula’s face before her expression returns to neutral. “She was good. Not like me. Even after I left Thanos I could never...” She stops and shakes her head, a metal something in her neck clicking strangely. “But she was good.”

 

She turns away from him and looks through the front window. He follows her gaze but there is nothing out there, not even stars. Just blank, open void. A thick, sucking black.

 

“We’re not going to save them, we’re gonna raid the ship for medicine and parts,” says Nebula.

 

Tony knows he should protest but the pain is stabbing at him and he can feel his consciousness fading yet again. He keeps his eyes fixed on the void.

 

It feels like only seconds later when Nebula wakes him. She is wearing a metal mask that completely covers her face. It’s kind of terrifying.

 

“Here,” she says, handing him an identical mask. “There’s a hole in the ship, it won’t have air.”

 

She’s already untied him so he is free to sit up and inspect it. He tries to hide the wave of agony that hits him when he moves but he can’t contain a pained gasp.

 

“How does it work?” He asks to distract himself.

 

“No idea,” says Nebula. “Put it on.”

 

Tony does. It’s nothing like wearing the Iron Man helmet. There’s no blinking HUD or friendly AI in his ear. It’s small and cramped and tight. He hates it.

 

When he tries to stand he stumbles and with a sinking feeling he realises he can no longer walk. Nebula grabs his arm and slings it over her shoulders. Practically carrying him, she moves with ease to open the airlock.

 

The other ship is huge and echoing and dark. It carries the strange quality of some churches where any visitor is compelled to speak in a whisper.

 

“This ship is Sakaarian,” says Nebula with a tone of slight surprise and strong suspicion. “It shouldn’t be this far out.”

 

“Well that obviously didn’t work out for them did it?” Says Tony, hissing the words through gritted teeth.

 

Nebula ignores him and continues half carrying and half dragging him along the hall. They pass through an airlock and Nebula closes it behind them. She disengages her mask and then does the same for him.

 

Tony can feel his grasp on consciousness slipping and this time he knows he isn’t going to wake up. His side is slick with blood and the pain fills his whole world.

 

 _I don’t wanna go,_ echoes in his ears and he shakes his head to dislodge the voice. He barely notices as Nebula drags him into a cold, sterile room and pours pain meds down his throat. The world swims slightly back into focus and Nebula manoeuvres him onto a sick bed.

 

The movement twists at his side and he can’t help the scream that rips from his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then Val shows up.
> 
> No beta again so if there's typos let me know.
> 
> This is probably going to be the longest chapter in the "Snapshots" collection. Most of them are just little moments that I write so I understand what's going on in the main story, moments where Valkyrie wouldn't be there but still impact what goes on. This is a full blown oneshot really but as it's not from Val's perspective it goes in here.
> 
> Writing Tony is HARD and it HURTS. I love him so much and Infinity War Hurt him so bad. And then I hurt him even more.


	2. Tony And May

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The phone call between Tony and May where he tells her about Peter. This is gonna make a lot more sense if you read "Flight Of The Commodore" and "Wakanda Night Is This" first.

“Oh my God, Tony!” The woman’s voice is frantic.  
  
“Hey May,” says Tony, low and soft.  
  
“No. No, Tony. Put Peter on the line. I need to speak to Peter Tony,” the woman called May says. She’s smart, so Tony’s voice has already given everything away. It sounds so... raw, and just as empty as his eyes. It’s awful to listen to. “Tony please.”  
  
“I can’t,” his voice is even quieter now, and it sounds like the scrape of a knife being sharpened. “It’s on me May. I failed-“  
  
“Tell me how.”  
  
Tony gives a long shuddering sigh but can’t seem to manage any more words.  
  
“I need to know Tony,” says May, her voice rising in pitch, nearing hysteria.  
  
“He- he faded,” says Tony and suddenly he’s screaming. “He faded away IN MY ARMS! And I didn’t do ANYTHING! I couldn’t say ANYTHING! He was THERE and he was FINE and then he was GONE and I didn’t say-“ Tony stops and breathes and his voice goes back to the knife scrape. “God May I’m sorry. You didn’t need to hear that.”  
  
The sound of May’s sobs echo down the phone line. Eventually she collects herself enough to talk.   
  
“So you were there.”  
  
“Yeah but I-“  
  
“You held him.”  
  
“Yes. I did.”  
  
May takes a deep breath. “I need you to tell me the truth here Tony. Don’t spare my feelings or give me false hope. Is there any way you can get. Him. Back.”  
  
“I don’t know,” Tony breathes, so quietly it’s almost inaudible and there’s a long pause. “Listen May,” he eventually continues. “I tried to send him home but he- No. No it’s not his fault, it’s on me but May I- I did try and send him home.”  
  
May’s silence is oppressive. It crushes all the air from the room and fills every fraction of space.  
  
“He said he was sorry.” And now, finally, does Tony’s voice break and he’s sobbing. “The last thing he said. He said he was sorry.”  
  
“It’s not on you Tony.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You get the bastard that did this. You kill him for me, for Peter. And if there’s any way it’s possible you bring my boy back to me.” Now it is May’s voice that is empty and Tony that is weeping. His breath hitches rapidly and tears and snot stream down his face into the beard that used to be so neatly groomed. “It’s not your fault. Now stop hating yourself and start doing something.”  
  
And May hangs up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaargh. My poor children.
> 
> This is kinda super rough and short because I mainly just wrote it to see how that conversation went in the world of "Horrible Coping Mechanisms". Turns out it was super sad, who coulda guessed?
> 
> I'm not sure what the next one of these will be, probably either the Avengers reunion or a Pepper and Tony reunion. Either way it's gonna HURT!


	3. Pepper And Rhodey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place sometime in between “Flight Of The Commodore” and “Wakanda Night Is This”. Rhodey calls Pepper to tell her Tony is home.

The phone rings in the middle of the night, as it so often does.

 

“Ms Potts it’s Colonel Rhodes,” says FRIDAY, automatically fading up the lights.

 

Ms Potts. Pepper had thought she would be Mrs Stark by now. Obviously they were both going to be Potts Stark, but the smallest most childish part of her still sometimes sighed over the sound of _Mrs Stark_.

 

“Put him through FRIDAY,” says Pepper, sitting up in bed and rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

 

Rhodey’s voice is low and urgent. “Tony’s back,” is all he says.

 

A little bit of colour flows back into the world. Pepper had been sure, she had been so sure that he was gone. But she had been sure he was gone and been wrong before and the uncertainty had been ripping her in two. But he was _back_.

 

“Oh my god is he okay? Where is he?” Pepper is already moving through the room, pulling on clothes and grabbing a bag, dialling the number for the private jet.

 

“He was injured but that’s not what I’m worried about,” says Rhodey. “He’s in a real bad way Pep.”

 

“I’m coming.”

 

She can hear his sigh of relief through FRIDAY’s speakers. It sounds like she feels, like they’re out of the cell but they’ve still got to climb the prison walls.

 

“I’ll send you the co-ordinates,” he says.

 

“Thanks. I’ll see you soon,” she replies.

 

He stays on the line and she’s not sure why. She needs to finish packing and call for the jet. She needs to notify SI, she needs to-

 

“Pepper,” says Rhodey finally, heavily.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“He lost the kid.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Pepper a lot but I’m not sure if she’ll make an appearance in the main series so she gets her own little bit here. I super hate that we don’t actually know what happened to her in Infinity War. There will probably be more parts to this cause I really like writing Pepper and I want to see her reunion with Tony.


	4. Tony And Shuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place sometime after "Flight Of The Commodore" and before "Wakanda Night Is This". Tony and Shuri have a conversation that winds up helping them both.

Tony can’t sleep. Pepper had wound him in her arms and held him until she drifted off and now he stares at her face in the darkness and just basks in the living beauty of her. She is a pool of calm at the end of the universe and she is alive. This is so much better than sleep.

 

 _How dare you?_ Screams his guilt. _How dare you? You don’t deserve peace. How dare you do this? You doomed a child to ashes. Your child. Your responsibility. How fucking dare you?_

 

 _I’m not listening,_ Tony thinks. But he is.

 

Eventually the sound of guilt is so loud in his ears that he almost fears it might wake Pepper and he knows he has lost. He untangles himself from her and sits on the side of the bed, staring at the arc reactor on his chest. He hasn’t dared to remove it since Loki tore it from him and he hates how weak that makes him feel.

 

 _You are weak,_ says his guilt. _You always were. It’s why you always fail. Why did you ever think you could protect them?_

 

“Screw it,” he says out loud and all but flees from the room.

 

The palace is incredible, beautiful and luxurious as he is accustomed to but with a weight of history he is not. There must be a lab somewhere in this place. A lab or a workshop, even a garage will do. Somewhere he can do something, make something, be something. His fingers twitch and the guilt screams as he walks barefoot through the halls of the palace.

 

After an hour, Tony knows he is lost. He thinks he has moved from the living quarters to an administrative area but he can’t quite be sure. Even in Wakanda, things take a different shape in the dark.

 

Someone has been following him for some time. She is near silent and he wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t been on high alert since... well, since Afghanistan. She also hasn’t stopped him so he assumes he hasn’t gone anywhere he isn’t allowed to be. Yet. The hallway branches into three corridors and he picks one at random. It curves slightly to the left as he walks. He hears her footsteps behind him.

 

There is a girl sitting at the top of a staircase, staring fixedly downwards. Her braided hair is piled messily on top of her head and she looks to be about the same age as-

 

“Hey,” he says, to stop himself finishing the thought, and she jumps at the sound of his voice.

 

“Hello,” she says. Her eyes drop down to the arc reactor and back up to his face. “Mr Stark.”

 

She’s Wakandan, which means there’s only one person this can be. “Princess Shuri,” he replies. “Do I need to bow or curtesy or something? I haven’t brushed up on my royal protocols in a while. Or ever.”

 

She sniffs and it’s not an offended sniff, it’s more of a trying to hold back tears and losing sniff. “We don’t do that here,” she says.

 

“Good,” says Tony, and sits next to her on the stair. The almost healed wound in his side twinges in protest and he grunts in pain. He elects to ignore it. “So what’s down there?” He asks, gesturing in the direction Shuri is staring.

 

“My lab,” she says.

 

 _How about that?_ Thinks Tony. _I found one eventually._

 

“It was where I was supposed to- Where I was trying to- If I’d just been faster...” continues the Princess, hands balled tightly into fists. “I failed so many people. My tech was supposed to protect them. I was supposed to protect them.”

 

The sentiment sounds awfully familiar but somehow coming from the mouth of this child it seems wrong. It’s obviously not her fault.

 

 _No, it’s yours_ , hisses his guilt. _Are you brave enough to tell her that?_

 

“You know I created Vision, right?” He says instead.

 

“Of course,” she says, confused.

 

“So he’s basically my kid.”

 

She looks at him with wide eyes, suddenly scared of what he might say. “I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough-“

 

“No,” he says. “I'm pretty much Vision’s Dad and I’m saying I don’t blame you. It’s not your fault.”

 

For a second her expression lights up, and what a gift is absolution because she is shining. Then her face crumples again. “I couldn’t save my brother,” she whispers.

 

“I couldn’t save my...” he wants to say kid - _and fuck, when did_ the _kid become_ his _kid_ \- but what he actually says is “Peter”.

 

“This sucks ass,” she says vehemently, sounding so young Tony’s heart aches.

 

“Royal ass,” he says.

 

Shuri laughs, and then starts to cry. “I’ve never really failed before,” she admits through her tears.

 

“Well I fail all the time,” says Tony and stands up. He starts heading down the stairs.

 

“What are you doing?” Says Shuri, almost angrily.

 

“Finding the next failure.”

 

Shuri doesn’t say anything in reply and he can feel her indecision; she doesn’t want to go back to the lab and she doesn’t want to let him in there on his own. _She better make up her mind soon,_ he thinks. He’s lost track of whoever was following him and he knows that can’t be good. _Shit I’m gonna find out I’m not allowed in here with extreme prejudice,_ he realises as he reaches the door.

 

Tony hears a sigh, and then the sound of Shuri’s footsteps following him down the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh Shuri, my girl better have survived. I've seen a lot of post Infinity War fics where Shuri is sad but not really struggling and I don't really buy that. She's smarter than Tony but he still has some things to teach her, especially when it comes to dealing with trauma in a more healthy way than he does. Shuri is the future and Tony just wants the future to be better.
> 
> Also can someone PLEASE listen to the musical Preludes and then come and shout about it with me? It's about a depressed genius and I associate it so hard with Tony but it's not very well known and I am alone.


	5. Pepper And Tony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Pepper and Tony reunion. Takes place in between... ah you've read this far you know the drill.

After a certain point there just aren’t any more phone calls to make or emails to answer or papers to sign. After a certain point there isn’t anything left for Pepper to do but sit and wait and will the jet to go faster. A jittering energy fills her up and makes it impossible to sit still. She is anxious and relieved and excited and worried and she doesn’t feel large enough for all these emotions at once. It’s been over a month. A month of being certain that Tony was dead. A month of constant nagging doubt. A month of constant nagging hope.

 

It never gets any easier.

 

Pepper knows Tony will need her when she lands. She knows she will have to be strong, strong as she’s ever been, for him. So she decides that she should let herself cry now, let everything she has been feeling since that portal opened up in the park overwhelm her while she has the time.

 

When the jet lands in Wakanda her makeup is perfect and her eyes are clear and it is only the full box of tissues now crumped in a wastepaper basket on the plane that would ever indicate she had been crying.

 

It’s always like this, when she sees him. Every time Tony makes it back from certain death is the same. First is an all-encompassing lightness, a relief so magnificent that he is here and alive and hers. Then there is the rage that he would do this to himself, to her, yet again. Then this time there comes horror. Sheer visceral mind-numbing horror because this, this is worst he’s ever looked.

 

_His eyes,_ she thinks. _Oh god his eyes._

 

She reaches for him. Wraps her arms around him and they stand, clinging to each other, motionless apart from their breathing, in the middle of the Wakandan airfield.

 

Later, when she has told him that May Parker survived and Happy didn’t, when he has whispered the whole sorry story of what happened on Titan, when he has raged at Strange, when he has cried for Peter, when they have done and said all that they needed to, she kisses him slowly and softly, as she had promised herself she would every day of her long month alone. It’s incredibly sweet and she finds herself crying, despite all her brave intentions.

 

“No Pep, don’t,” he murmurs, and kisses her again.

 

“You’re alive,” she whispers to him.

 

“You’re alive,” he whispers back. Then his face drops and she can see that he is drowning. “Why am I alive Pepper? Why would he do that?”

 

She doesn’t want to say it. She knows that if she says it he is doomed, and she also knows that it is the only thing in the universe that he needs to hear. She pulls him close to her and puts her mouth to his ear.

 

“Because you will fix it. I know you, and I know you will fix it,” she says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peppppeeeeeeeeeeeer. I love her so much. That's literally all I can think to say here I just love Pepper a lot.
> 
> I'm either gonna do Tony finally telling Rhodey about Siberia or something with Steve next. Or something else entirely. Either way it's gonna be heavy.


	6. Steve And Rhodey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rhodey talks to Steve after finally finding out what happened in Siberia. Takes place during "Wakanda Night Is This".

Rhodey finds Steve where he always is these days, sitting on the battlefield in the approximate place Bucky disappeared and staring directly at the sun. His eyes stream and sting but any damage it can do just heals as soon as he blinks. It’s a crappy vigil, Steve knows that, but it’s all he can do since he realised that he wasn’t actually helping with the plan to beat Thanos. Any positive contributions he could make were quickly overshadowed by the constant crushing tension whenever he and Tony were in a room together. In a contest of who was gonna be more useful, Tony’s brain beats all of Steve every time, so he stopped going to the meetings before he was asked. So now it’s just him and the sun and the empty space in the world where Bucky should be.

 

Steve knows it’s Rhodey behind him from the faint whirr of his braces as he moves, and he wonders why he isn’t being useful in the palace. _Rhodey still gets to be useful,_ thinks Steve bitterly, then chastises himself for being uncharitable.

 

“Tony can be hard to get a read on, I get that,” says Rhodey. “Hell, sometimes I can’t tell what’s going on in that head of his and I’ve known him since college. So I get that you might’ve had a hard time.”

 

He genuinely doesn’t know what Rhodey is talking about. Steve watches the other man come to stand in front of him, directly in front of the sun.

 

“But what I can’t get,” Rhodey continues, folding his arms. “Is your reasoning for not telling him. I just don’t understand. I know you Cap, I know you’re a good guy, but not telling Tony and then using his money to search for his parent’s killer just blows my mind. I don’t get it. But I want to. Help me understand here.”

 

Steve doesn’t know what to say, he thought all this was behind them when Rhodey welcomed them back with a smile and friendly jibe. He wants this to be behind them. He wants to never think about what he did for Bucky again because that is too close to thinking about Bucky and thinking about Bucky is like ice water closing over his head and sinking and sinking and sinking.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says, because really there’s no defence.

 

Rhodey’s brow furrows. “Steve, just tell me you had a reason, man. I got nothing here.”

 

Steve shoots to his feet, suddenly so so angry at Rhodey, at Tony, at the whole damn universe.

 

“I don’t know! I don’t! I don’t know what I was thinking or what I was doing! I was just trying to protect him and now he’s dead! It happened and it was pointless and I’m sorry but it doesn’t matter anyway because he. Is. Dead.”

 

“Okay,” says Rhodey, his face like stone. “That I get.”

 

_It’s nice that you get it and I don’t,_ thinks Steve.

 

“You were scared and stupid and you fucked up.” Rhodey continues. Then he’s silent for a long moment. “They put way too much on you way too soon.”

 

Steve turns away and looks over the battlefield. Already the earth is healing, the debris has been cleared and grass is growing over holes gouged in the ground by alien machinery. Steve hates it, hates that in no time at all there will be no memory of the fight except in the minds of those who fought in it. Steve hates that Wakanda is beautiful when the world could at least try for some pathetic fallacy. And he hates that he has to have this conversation with Rhodey about something that should be over, and done, because how can it still matter now? But he guesses he doesn’t get to make that call.

 

“You said you weren’t looking for forgiveness,” says Rhodey thoughtfully.

 

“Not from Ross,” says Steve.

 

“I do believe everyone deserves forgiveness.” Rhodey moves to stand next to him, and surveys the field with an expression Steve can’t quite place. “But you don’t get it from me. Or Tony. Or anyone who loves him. Maybe you’ll get it from Barnes once he realises you screwed him over too. Maybe not. But don’t you dare take so much as smile from Tony ever again. He’s doing badly enough as is.”

 

“He seemed fine at the meetings, has something happened?” Asks Steve.

 

Rhodey stares at him. It’s a long, hard, calculating look, like he’s so close to figuring something out but can’t quite get there. Steve never knows if Rhodey did work it out because quite abruptly his face goes blank and Steve is looking at stone again.

 

“You really never did know Tony did you?” Says Rhodey, and walks away.

 

Steve wants to go after him and get him to explain what he meant, but something else he said is worrying at him.

 

_What did Rhodey mean he screwed_ Bucky _over?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god this was difficult to write. That bit where Rhodey's like "PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND HERE" is basically how I feel about Steve. I really thought about Rhodey and his character and I really don't think he goes charging into things without at least trying to understand. Part of me wanted him to yell at Steve but. I just don't think that's in his character? I also think Steve did Bucky a major disservice in not telling Tony and I don't know if Steve has ever realised that. Tony and Bucky could have been real friends if there'd been no lies and although Wakanda is basically the coolest place on Earth, Steve has basically fixed it so Bucky can never go home. It's fuckin sad. So like, that's where I'm at.
> 
> Civil War came out at exactly the same time as The Worst Year Of My Life was reaching its absolute worst part and I related HARD to Tony's situation. Obviously it wasn't as bad but I got a taste of what that kind of betrayal is like. It created a weird link in my head between Steve and the person who basically caused my mental breakdown so it's actually not really possible for me to be fair to Steve. I tried, I tried really hard with this but I will honestly never be truly objective.
> 
> The next one is Pepper realising she's pregnant! Then after that I might delve into Loki's wildly inconsistent characterisation across the MCU and try and provide an explanation for that. I've also written one called "Tony and Steve" that I can't publish until the main series is done (and I am working on that it's just a monster and a lot needs to happen in it) but it's INTENSE.


	7. Pepper And Morgan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pepper realises she is pregnant and tells Tony. This takes place a few hours before Tony and Valkyrie and Nebula have their first conversation in "Wakanda Night Is This".

At first she thinks the app is broken. But it’s a StarkPhone and StarkPhones don’t do that. Then she thinks it must be stress. But she’s been stressed before and she’s always like clockwork. By the time she’s considering early menopause she knows she’s out of explanations.

 

She doesn’t take the test for a few days anyway, just in case. Then when she does she takes five, just in case.

 

They’re all positive.

 

 _Does he still want this?_  She thinks. She thinks about the kid. Pepper had liked the kid. Peter was so genuinely good and like Tony in all the best and worst ways and she had liked him. But Tony had loved him and losing him had broken something deep down in a place Pepper couldn’t reach. _Will Tony want to risk that again? Can I ask him to?_

 

Pepper decides that it doesn’t matter and she is shocked by how quickly her priorities have changed. Tony now comes second, Pepper now comes second, the world now comes second.

 

She sends him a text. It’s childish and impersonal and she hates that she’s doing it, but she sends him a text.

 

 _I need you to come here NOW,_ it reads.

 

She is sat on the bed with her legs crossed, the tests spread out in front of her, when he stumbles in. She hadn’t meant to scare him but she can see that she has. The lack of... anything in his dark eyes is still horrifying but the rest of his face is twisted with worry and confusion.

 

She holds a hand out to him. “Come here,” she says.

 

Tony moves over to her slowly. He still hasn’t noticed the tests because he’s so intent on searching her face, making sure she’s alive and whole and there.

 

She loves him so much.

 

“Come look,” says Pepper as he joins her on the bed and she watches his expression shift as he realises.

 

“For real?” He asks her, swallowing hard.

 

“For real,” she says, taking his face in her hands as he blinks at her. God, she wishes she could tell what he’s thinking.

 

“Oh Pep, oh honey,” he mutters and closes his eyes.

 

“You know it’s actually been a few months,” says Pepper, smiling fondly. “That day in the park you were right all along.”

 

His eyes snap open and she has to hold back a gasp. They’re finally, finally, not empty. They’re full and brimming and so completely Tony that she can’t speak for a second. They’re Tony on fire.

 

“I love you,” he says, and what else can she do but say it back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this was gonna be a happier moment and I guess it kinda is but it's me so it's still a bit angsty.
> 
> Pepper is absolutely the kind of person to have a really regular period but still track it with an app and you know I'm right. I love her so much.
> 
> Tony is so lost in "Flight of the Commodore" and this is very much the thing that finally lights the fire in him to fix things. The Futurist is forcibly reminded that the future is still coming. Also I just want Tony to have a little baby and be happy.
> 
> I don't really know what the next part will be because I'm prepping this one early cause I'm going home for a few days and won't have my laptop. I'll keep writing (I write all these on my phone cause I'm a garbage human) but the next part, whatever it is, won't be up until Saturday or maybe even Sunday.


	8. Loki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki attempts to adjust to life after death. Again. This falls in between "Wakanda Night Is This" and "Attack The Titan" (that's what the last part of the main fic is gonna be called btw).

Loki is itchy in his skin. He hates having to use his shifting to hide. The fact that the whole point of this is for the world to look at him and see _woman_ when he is definitely not feeling that way today just makes things worse. Frigga had taught him shifting so he wouldn’t have to hide - _and isn’t the irony of that just delicious_ \- and using it that way just feels wrong. Like he is ever so slightly out of step with the universe.

 

They call him Lucky - _again, irony_ \- in the camp but anyone who has died as many times as him knows luck doesn’t exist. Just persistence. Persist, and adapt, and if you can’t afford morality then don’t bother.

 

A woman he has never cared to learn the name of asks him if he’s alright, and Loki wants to curse her. Instead he glares in her general direction and walks quickly past the med tent where she’s working.

 

The problem with being very clever and decidedly amoral is that you often end up exactly where you planned to. Unfortunately for Loki he is very clever, decidedly amoral, extremely adaptable and completely hopeless as deciding what he actually wants. It’s when Loki realises that he’s not truly where he wants to be that things tend to go wrong. That, or whenever Thor shows up.

 

Lucky is well liked by the Asgardians. Her stories and illusions are popular with the children and the scholars respect the depth of her knowledge, even if they do not entirely trust her. Sometimes Loki likes being Lucky, sometimes Loki _is_ Lucky, but today is not one of those days. The wrongness of performed gender is clenched tight around his throat like a Titan’s hand.

 

There are few places in the camp where Loki can assume the form Midgardians think of as Loki. He heads for one of them now.

 

The Valkyrie’s tent smells of beer and that Wakandan liquor she likes so much. She isn’t there but it’s cool and dark inside and Loki sprawls out on a chair. He shifts shape with a sigh of relief. He gets to be him for a short while.

 

“What. The. Fuck,” says a voice from the shadows.

 

A man steps into the light, his loaded bow pointed directly at him. He is vaguely familiar and Loki draws his daggers.

 

Then Stark emerges from Valkyrie’s sleeping quarters carrying her sword and armour. He stares at the developing situation with an odd, detached gaze.

 

“Relax Barton, Antlers is with us,” he says sharply, frustrated. There is clearly no love lost between them.

 

Barton doesn’t lower his weapon. “So we just forgive him? The bastard was in my head!” He snaps.

 

“You think you’re the only one who has had their mind addled,” hisses Loki, taking a step towards the man he now recognises as his slave during the invasion. “You should be grateful it was me and not Thanos inside your skull. He would not be so gentle.”

 

“Okay we’re gonna need to follow that up,” says Stark. “But Clint, Val really wouldn’t appreciate you shooting her... _friend_ in her own home so can we just get these back to the lab?”

 

Stark ushers Barton quickly out of the tent, but before he goes he shoots Loki a glance filled with something he can’t quite place. It doesn’t look like pity, perhaps understanding? But Loki has never once been understood in his entire life and he’s not about to start now so he dismisses the notion.

 

He finally sheathes his daggers.

 

It is several hours later when Valkyrie returns. Loki is studying one of the texts he managed to salvage from Asgard and he pretends not to notice her walk in. But he can feel her eyes on him.

 

“You’re still here,” she says. The statement is completely neutral but Loki thinks he can detect a faint undertone of amusement.

 

He looks up at her. Valkyrie’s arms are folded and he’s surprised to see she’s holding back a grin.

 

“You’re causing trouble,” she continues. “They’re all fighting over you.”

 

“Good,” says Loki automatically.

 

Valkyrie laughs. He tries to ignore how much he likes it when she laughs. She’s been doing it more and more recently and every time Loki wants to shut her up by... he’s not entirely sure how he wants to shut her up.

 

“At one point Rogers actually agreed with Tony,” she says. “That was pretty impressive.”

 

“I am pretty impressive,” says Loki, smirking and standing and folding his arms to mimic her.

 

Valkyrie takes a step closer to him and stares him right in the eye, mirth now plainly written across her features.

 

“Tony thinks you might be useful so you’re fine,” she says. “They haven’t technically decided but he’s got all the people who matter convinced.” She pauses and quirks an eyebrow at him. “Welcome to Earth I guess.”

 

“I won’t be staying long,” he says, and does the Valkyrie look disappointed? “After Thanos is dead I’m headed straight for New Asgard.”

 

Valkyrie punches him lightly on the arm and turns away quickly. She’s not fast enough to hide her fond smile.

 

 _Oh no,_ thinks Loki as realisation hits him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki. Aaaaah Loki. And I thought Steve was hard to write.
> 
> Of course Loki is a lot slower on the realisation front than Val. Of COURSE they are.
> 
> I didn't intend to write about gender dysphoria but here we fucking are. It's very much based on how dysphoria feels to me but I'm not gonna pretend my experience is universal. I just hope I did okay.
> 
> I've got a lot of thoughts about Loki's characterisation and I hope I hit the balance here between understanding Loki as a victim and Loki as a dickhead. I very much feel both are true. I love Loki a lot.
> 
> I didn’t plan for Clint to be in this series at all but he just showed up, very much like he did in the MCU. I'm all about character arcs and development but there's just been no consistency with Clint so I try and forget about him most of the time tbh. I wonder if his characterisation will come back from the war in Avengers 4?
> 
> I'm about halfway through writing the last part of the main fic and it's real bad kids. I'm really fucking cruel and I didn't intend to be but welp. There is however an entirely new odd couple friendship so I hope you enjoy that. 
> 
> Next up I think we'll spend some time with Natasha.


	9. Natasha And Shuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shuri looks to Natasha for insight on Tony. She doesn't really get any. In between "Wakanda Night Is This" and "Attack The Titan".

Natasha Romanoff has a long list of regrets. They range from _I should have killed him when I had the chance_ to _I shouldn’t have dyed my hair this colour_ to _I should never have left_ to things from the old times that she has neatly boxed up in the back of her mind and almost never thinks about. They’re always loud, the regrets, but lately after the world ended, in the crushing quiet of a universe half emptied, they’ve been getting louder. Now that her family is finally back together but nothing is the same and there are gaping holes where whole people should be, they’re deafening.

 

Inside the Wakandan throne room anyone who has any chance of defeating Thanos is gathered, but Natasha waits outside on the balcony. It overlooks the plain. The plain where they lost. The plain that now houses the Asgardian refugee camp. Which, as they recently discovered, includes Loki.

 

Fucking Loki. Natasha can think of literally hundreds - _thousands, billions_ \- of people she’d rather be alive than them: Maria, Nick, the whole damn Barton family other than Clint, Maria, James, Maria… Maria who she’d kept putting off asking out until she was on the run and now that’s just another thing to add to the list. Maria.

 

Natasha closes her eyes. In front of her is the glory of the Wakandan sunset and although the continuity of the sun has always comforted her before, now it just seems cold. Uncaring. Maybe the sun shouldn’t be rising and setting anymore.

 

Someone inside is watching her through the window. She assumes it’s one of the Dora Milaje, they are still understandably wary around her. Natasha doesn’t hold it against them, in fact she respects them more for it. After the battle she seems to have earned their respect as well and if everything hadn’t gone to shit she’d be proud of that.

 

The watcher opens the door and enters the balcony. Their footsteps are softer than any of the Dora, younger. It must be the Princess.

 

“I have a question,” says Shuri. She’s always been bold but since the loss of her brother she’s dispensed with unnecessary things like greetings altogether.

 

Natasha turns to face her expectantly, saying nothing but tilting her head to indicate her attention.

 

“Stark,” says Shuri, and Natasha doesn’t let her surprise show on her face. “And Ultron. I thought I understood.” The Princesses hands are in fists at her sides. “I thought he was just arrogant. I thought he just assumed he was smarter than he was. I thought he was just stupid.” She pauses and looks beyond Natasha to the setting sun. “But he’s not like that. He _is_ that smart. He understands almost everything I say and that’s just… amazing. But he made Ultron and now I know him I don’t understand why.” Shuri lifts her chin defiantly and stares Natasha in the eye. “I don’t like not understanding.”

 

 _Why_ did _Tony make Ultron?_ Natasha thinks.

 

“He was scared,” she says, and it’s only after it’s out of her mouth that she realises how true it is. _Tony has been scared for years,_ she thinks. _Have I ever even known him when he wasn’t scared?_ That thought hits fast and brutal but the Princess is speaking again and so she locks it behind a mental door to examine later.

 

“Why?” Says Shuri. “What was he scared of?”

 

“This,” replies Natasha, gesturing vaguely. “Invasion. Losing.” She scoffs bitterly. “Cap said we’d lose together but we didn’t even do that in the end.”

 

Shuri is angry now and Natasha hopes it is not at Tony. They’re past all that now.

 

“Stark knew of this? How could he know?”

 

Natasha sighs. “Whatever he saw when he went through that wormhole fucked him up. None of us realised how badly until Ultron. He kept bringing it up but we just thought he was being Tony. I should have realised he was compromised.”

 

“But he was right,” says the Princess. “He wasn’t compromised, he was right.”

 

Natasha has to work to keep her face impassive. It doesn’t matter that Tony was right because it’s too late now. He didn’t prevent it, they didn’t prevent it. It’s just old regret. “Maybe he was both,” she says.

 

And for some reason that makes Shuri hate her. The Princess has never had any need to conceal her emotions and her face is open for anyone to read. It reads disgust and sorrow and resentment. “You are saying he tried to warn you. You are saying he was scared. You are saying he tried to stop this. You are saying you did not listen,” she spits. “You are saying he was compromised as if that means anything now.”

 

Natasha can’t say anything. _The whole universe is compromised now,_ she thinks, but Shuri doesn’t want to hear that. There is a long moment of silence where an apology might fit. But Natasha can’t say anything, and it hangs between them.

 

The Princess stands proud in front of her and says coldly, “Thank you, I understand.”

 

She leaves and Natasha doesn’t watch her go. The sun has mostly sunk below the horizon by this point, and the sky is painted in shades of purple. It’s breathtaking.

 

She adds a few more things onto her list of regrets.

 

The next day, Natasha dyes her hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually quite like Natasha. Like, she's still wrong but I quite like her. She's fun/interesting to write. She's gonna start thinking about how she fucked up and who she hurt and why after this. Idk if I'll write that but that's the path she's now on.
> 
> For the record, while Shuri is right to be angry that no one listened to Tony, I don't actually think either of the people in this conversation actually understand Tony that well. Once you understand him pretty much all his actions make sense. Shuri just made an assumption about him, then she met him and it was proved wrong so she's scrabbling for other explanations. Unfortunately the only explanations Natasha can offer her are terrible and also aren't really the whole picture (she literally never thinks to mention Bruce and Wanda's involvement and I did that on purpose).
> 
> Maria and Natasha are something I'd love to see but which Marvel will never give me. So in here it goes! This series is about angsty wish fulfillment! 
> 
> Thank you to BB4ever for suggesting the idea behind this. I hope you like it!
> 
> Idk what's coming next, hopefully the end of the main series. Then these Snapshots will move on to post-series stuff. There will be angst. Eventually there will be fluff.


	10. Tony And Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR SPOILERS FOR "ATTACK THE TITAN"! This fits right in the middle of that fic, please read that first.
> 
> Tony and Steve have one last confrontation.

Tony struggles as Steve holds him down. The hand around his throat is gentle, but it pins him to the dirt with ease.

 

“Let me fucking go,” he hisses, clawing at the Captain’s arm and kicking out at him.

 

“No way,” says Steve. “You’re staying right here.”

 

“That’s not your decision!” Tony spits it at him but he has stopped trying to break free.

 

“No it isn’t,” agrees Steve. “But I’m making it anyway.”

 

 _And isn’t that how it always was with Steve?_ Thinks Tony. _Do as I say and not as I do?_

 

“Steve, please,” he says, and it’s the first time he’s called him that since Siberia. “I’m so tired, I just wanna rest.”

 

“I know, Tony. But you get to go home now. Isn’t that what this was all for?”

 

Tony closes his eyes. He does want to go home. He wants so desperately to go home. For all this to be over and to hold Pepper and to speak to the kid and to know, finally, that he’s done enough.

 

But he knows where he is. It looks like where they fell. Titan but not Titan. Everything shines with a bright white light, even the dirt he lies in, and there is a door. An old oak door leading to nothing. It has to be the end of the road. The end of him. It would be a relief, to just stop. To leave and let everyone else deal with the fallout for a change.

 

He would have gone without hesitation if Steve hadn’t been there, pinning him down. Standing between him and peace. And now something is tugging at his ankles, harsh and insistent, and he knows that he must go back.

 

“I know it’s a lot to ask, and for the record I am sorry about everything, but can you tell Bucky I love him?” Says Steve, letting go of Tony’s neck and just crouching beside him.

 

“Tell him yourself,” grunts Tony, trying to sit up but suddenly feeling like he is moving through syrup. The tug gets stronger.

 

“Oh Tony,” says Steve, and shakes his head fondly. “I’m already gone.”

 

“You fucking hypocrite,” says Tony, but there’s no venom in it.

 

As the light fades and Tony is pulled away Steve smiles, and nods at him, then turns suddenly away as if someone has said his name.

 

There is a moment, bright and warm and orange. A moment that stretches out for forever and no time at all then-

 

Tony wakes up in a hospital bed with sun streaming through the curtains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The angst gremlin that lives in my brain: So Tony Stark is your favourite character, right?
> 
> Me: Yeah?
> 
> Gremlin: You love him a lot?
> 
> Me: Yes?
> 
> Gremlin: You really relate to him to the point where you kinda see his success as an indicator of your future success?
> 
> Me: YES?
> 
> Gremlin: You just want him to be happy?
> 
> Me: Where are you going with this?
> 
> Gremlin: So you’re gonna hurt him terribly, right?
> 
> Me: Oh yeah, definitely.
> 
> -
> 
> So. I didn't want Tony to have to sacrifice Steve, but I did want Steve to make up for Siberia in some way and to go out heroically. Preventing Tony from moving on seemed the right way to do that for this fic. Tony, of course, is gonna hate this. He's smart enough to realise that only one door means only one person dying, and it could have been him. It's going to EAT at him. But in the end he's going to be ok, I promise.
> 
> About the "orange moment" line, I'm toying with doing another collection of little... well not snapshots cause that's this but a similar thing. Basically they'd all be conversations with dead people Tony meets on his way back to the land of the living. There are a number of characters Tony could meet that I'd really like to explore, and if you're interested I'd like to write them. Only one of them would be canon to this fic, and I've already written it so if you want I can just post that and chuck out the idea of even more clutter in this series. Let me know what you think.
> 
> The next one is gonna be called "Pepper". It's a rough ride.


	11. Pepper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for "Attack The Titan", "Wakanda Night Is This" and "Flight Of The Commodore". Not only will this not make much sense if you don't read them first it also just won't be as good. PLEASE read them first. PLEASE.
> 
> Pepper waits.

“He’s gonna be okay, right?”

 

Peter says it every time he visits Tony. At the beginning she would always reassure him, but now months later with the swell of her belly showing and every chance her child will never know their father she just takes the kid’s hand and squeezes gently.

 

The next time Peter visits he doesn’t say it and that hurts worse somehow. He still holds Tony’s remaining hand and babbles about his day, about his friends and Aunt May, about getting back to patrolling. He still calls him “Mr Stark” and Pepper wishes Tony could have seen the look of horror on the kid’s face when she had told him that he actually has multiple PhDs. He would have loved that.

 

She catches herself using the past tense more and more and it scares the shit out of her. _Tony liked that. Tony hated this. Tony used to..._ Still, when the doctors come to her a few days later with that look on their faces she says no before they can get a word out. Life support stays on.

 

Her assistant is practically running Stark Industries single handed. Pepper knows what that’s like and she doesn’t care. She wants to care, she really does, but the world has only two shining spots of sunlight left within it. One is safe inside her and the other is in a hospital bed and fading, fading daily. The days stretch out like one endless scream.

 

Happy has always been jumpy, but with only Pepper and the life she carries to protect he has never been more vigilant. She had yelled at him one day, when his insistence on clearing anyone with access to Tony had delayed a nurse from giving him his medication for a few precious moments. Then she had cried and hugged him and apologised.

 

All he had said as she sobbed into his shirt was “I know, I know.”

 

Rhodey doesn’t visit at all and she should be mad at him for that. She needs him and he isn’t there. She isn’t mad though, she doesn’t have the energy. All of her willpower is focused on Tony, as if she can force him to wake up through how badly she wishes it. Part of her even understands. Sometimes she will go home and lie in their bed and pretend he is just downstairs in his workshop. Tinkering. It’s always worse seeing him as he really is after that so eventually she just stops going home at all.

 

Peter and his Aunt are a godsend. Peter is bright and cheerful and charming almost despite himself. _You know he is pretending Pepper,_ she thinks. But she needs his hope so, selfishly, she lets him pretend. She sees him cry only once. Pepper comes back from the toilet and he is sitting by the bed with his head resting on Tony’s chest, right by the arc reactor that the doctors insist is somehow the only thing keeping him alive and so now will never come out, sobbing and pleading unintelligibly. Pepper goes to get coffee although she cannot drink it and waits for it to cool down before she throws it out. By the time she has walked back to Tony’s room Peter is telling him about a robbery he stopped, making it sound far more dangerous than she knows it was in the vain hope that he might wake up and tell him off. The kid’s eyes are only a little red.

 

And May understands. May knows what it is to lose the other half of your equation. May knows what the waiting is doing to her. May _understands_.

 

Then comes the day of the attack.

 

Some surviving devotee of Thanos, or someone taking revenge for lives left unsaved, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that the hospital is left without power and the backup generators aren’t backing anything up.

 

Pepper is shaving Tony when it happens. His beard had grown completely out and his hair had got longer than it had been in years and she couldn’t stand it for another moment. So she is sculpting the hairs on his jaw when there is a deafening crash and the lights go out.

 

The hospital goes into immediate security lockdown and Pepper is trapped in the room with Tony who _has no life support._ She is going to watch him die. She is going to watch him die and she can’t and she can’t and she is screaming and pounding on the door even though it hurts and no one is listening and _Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony._

 

Pepper has run out of breath to scream. She leans against the door and the strength in her legs gives out. She slides down until she is sitting on the floor like an old ragdoll. She closes her eyes. Outside there are the sounds of doctors and nurses rushing back and forth and shouting and saving lives but inside the room the silence is crushing. There is nothing but the sound of her and Tony’s harsh and laboured breathing. They are almost in sync.

 

Wait.

 

Tony is breathing. It is heavy and he is clearly struggling but he is breathing. Tony is breathing without life support and Pepper wants to scream again. This time it’s victorious, triumphant. Tony Stark hasn’t stopped fighting.

 

The hospital lights flicker back on.

 

When Peter next comes to visit, Pepper takes both his hands in hers and says “He’s going to be okay.”

 

And she believes it.

 

And she is right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make Pepper Rescue. I wanted her up on Titan in Attack The Titan. But then I thought about that bit in Pepper And Morgan where she's re-evaluating all her priorities and I knew that a pregnant Pepper, who knows she is having a baby and wants it, wouldn't go and fight. It would kill her not to go help Tony and not to know what happened to him, but she wouldn't risk Morgan for a second. And Tony would agree. So that's that on that. Instead she has her own different kind of fight once Tony gets home.
> 
> It's the Tony and Peter reunion next! Or Tony and Pepper after he wakes up, whichever one I finish first. Then there's a Peter and Rhodey moment I'm working on, and the "orange moment" that I'm pretty excited about. 
> 
> Will I ever stop writing these? I literally have no idea.


	12. Tony And Pepper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after "Attack The Titan". Spoilers for that, obviously.
> 
> Tony wakes up.

Tony can feel the warmth of the sun on his face. Its light pours through the cracks in the blinds and onto his hospital bed and makes his eyes sting. He tries to move his arm up to block it out and he can feel his elbow bend but his fingers, his hand, most of his left forearm, just aren’t there. He stares at the empty space in shock. He hasn’t got a hand. He needs his hands. He is his hands. How is he supposed to build anything without both his hands?

 

Panic begins to well up in his stomach and make its way up his throat and he turns his head to look away from that awful absence and there is Pepper. His panic is pulled out of him by force because there is Pepper. Asleep next to him on some kind of crappy cot bed with an overabundance of pillows. Curled up on her side facing him.

 

His voice is rough with lack of use - _shit how long has it been_ \- but he manages to rasp out a single word.

 

“Hey,” he says quietly.

 

Her eyes snap open instantly. They’re the same clear calm blue as always and they’re fixed on his face. He smiles weakly. She screws her eyes shut and opens them again and gasps faintly when he’s still there meeting her gaze.

 

“Tony,” she breathes.

 

“Hi,” he says, and then because it’s important: “I love you.”

 

She wriggles to get off the bed and stands slightly shakily. Tony goes cold. Blood rushes to his ears and he can hear his own heartbeat thumping.

 

 _She shouldn’t be that pregnant,_ he thinks. _How long has it been?_

 

“Oh god Pep I’m so sorry,” says Tony.

 

Pepper looks confused, then notices the way he can’t look away from her stomach. She comes up to him and takes his remaining hand, then sits down in the chair next to his bed. It’s obviously a practiced movement.

 

“Don’t be stupid,” she says. “You’re alive. You’re awake. You came back.”

 

There’s a twist of guilt in Tony’s gut. _You were going to leave her,_ it says. _If Steve hadn’t stopped you, you would have left her all alone. How could you be so selfish?_

 

Pepper jerks in shock suddenly and her face breaks into a smile. It’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. She grabs his wrist and presses his hand against her belly.

 

“She’s saying hello.”

 

Tony feels the kick of a tiny foot against his palm and something just breaks inside him. Tears pour down his cheeks and his chest heaves and hurts with sobs and he can hear Pepper crying quietly too. It’s all far more perfect than he’s ever deserved.

 

They cry together for a bit and then he’s surprised by the fervour with which she presses her lips to his. He can taste her tears. When she pulls away the look on her face is the same as when he walked off a plane ten years ago at the very beginning of all this. It’s as amazing now as it was then.

 

He starts to become aware of a pain thrumming through his whole body and then there are doctors and nurses and pain medication and he’s drifting off into a sleep he knows this time he will wake from. Just before he goes he remembers something very important and chokes out a question.

 

“The kid?”

 

“On his way,” says Pepper.

 

And Tony can rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HE’S AWAKE!
> 
> Is this the fluffiest thing I've ever written? I think so.
> 
> Interesting thing about Pepper: I don't think she says I love you a lot. She shows it, oh god does she show it, but she just doesn't say it often. Did this cause insecurity for Tony early in their relationship? You betcha. Have they sorted it now? Definitely. Tony on the other hand, once he is comfortable telling someone he loves them (and wow does it take a lot to get him to that point), throws it out All The Time. "Pass the salt I love you." "Where's the coffee I love you." "I love you have you seen my pants?" Stuff like that. 
> 
> Sorry for the random headcanon time there and for this not being the Tony Peter reunion that I am now worried is gonna be overhyped. I'm working on it I promise.
> 
> Also it’s my birthday tomorrow so that’s nice. I’m gonna be 22 which is a horrifyingly adult kind of age.


	13. Tony And Yinsen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is a weird one. It takes place during "Attack The Titan", and "Tony And Steve" AND the bit in "Pepper" where Tony's life support is cut off. So you should probably make sure you read them first cause otherwise there's just NO context.
> 
> Tony meets Yinsen in an in-between place.

Orange. Everything is orange. Tony had never realised how soothing the colour could be. Even his own body shines with orange light. His left arm is almost blinding to look at. There are no distinct shapes, only the same warm glow from every direction. Tony turns in a slow circle, trying to get his bearings. He’d been on Titan, fighting Thanos, then there’d been Steve and the door and something tugging at his heels. That something had pulled him away then snagged, got caught and tangled up and now he is here. In this orange place.

 

There is a figure walking towards him. Tall and thin and straight backed. _It’s- Fuck it’s-_

 

“Yinsen!” He shouts, and when he tries to run towards him the whole world moves and they are standing face to face having only taken a step.

 

Yinsen chuckles. “Call me Ho,” he says.

 

Tony can’t help himself and he grimaces. “Please don’t make me do that.”

 

“I’m joking,” he says gently. “Yinsen is fine.”

 

“Where is this?” Says Tony, because the other place, the place with the door and Steve holding him down and all that white light made sense, but this orange in-between is just confusing.

 

“Nowhere,” Yinsen says. “A place of choosing. It will be gone as soon as we are.”

 

He sits down on the ground and crosses his legs. Tony joins him.

 

“Listen,” he says, and Tony does.

 

Ever so faintly, someone is screaming, begging for help. It sounds like... Tony shoots to his feet.

 

“Pepper, that’s Pepper! I have to get to her Yinsen she needs help. I- I have to- I’ve got to-” Anxiety is clawing at his throat. There are hands stuffed down his windpipe and Pepper is out there and scared and hurting and he is stuck here and he can’t do anything to help her he can’t even breathe. He falls to his knees, shaking and gasping for breath.

 

Yinsen kneels next to him and lays his hands on his shoulders. Tony’s lungs stop. Strangely, it feels fine. Breathing is no longer a necessary function so he just... doesn’t.

 

“We don’t have much time,” says the other man. “I had so much to say but...” He shakes his head, clearly changing his mind about what he is going to tell him. “You know, shutting down weapons manufacture would have been enough.”

 

“What?”

 

“When I told you not to waste your life, I just thought you could do better than making weapons, I didn’t imagine all this. But that never occurred to you did it?” He says and Tony isn’t sure because fuck if he knows what it actually sounds like but Yinsen’s voice is proud? Of Tony?

 

“I wanted to be the one to do this because I wanted to tell you that you’ve done enough. Whatever you decide now, you’ve done enough.” Yinsen continues. “More than enough actually.”

 

The words are almost a physical blow. Tony cannot even begin to articulate the unbearable feeling of a weight he’d forgotten he was carrying being lifted from his shoulders. Yinsen seems to understand though, and pats him lightly on the back before standing and offering a hand to help pull Tony to his feet.

 

“What choice am I supposed to be making?” He asks.

 

“It’s simple really,” says Yinsen, and presses a hand to Tony’s chest. Suddenly he is choking again and Pepper’s screams echo in his ears. “The choice to breathe.” He takes his hand away and the sensation disappears. “Or not.”

 

“That’s not really a choice,” says Tony.

 

Yinsen chuckles again. “No I guess for you it’s not,” he says. “You know what to do.”

 

Tony does.

 

He breathes.

 

 _I’m coming Pep,_ he thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW. I'm sorry, it's not Iron Dad and Spider Son. I know. I really wanted to give you the reunion on my birthday as a sort of reverse birthday present but alas it is not to be. Truth is I've been getting a little in my own head about that one. It's so important to me that it's good. That it's true to the characters. I can't even work out if it's gonna be in Peter's or Tony's perspective. So there's a distinct possibility that you might end up getting both. I'm just a little anxious that I've built it up to be better than I can do by making you wait. 
> 
> ANYWAY
> 
> So this is sorta the prototype for what I'd probably call something like "Conversations On The Way Home". Each one would basically be an AU of this one scene with Tony meeting a different person each time. I'd probably start with Pietro because THAT'S a conversation that needs having.
> 
> Basically I wrote Tony And Steve and was gonna leave it at that but then I saw this incredible fanart of Tony meeting Yinsen in the soul world and I wanted both in this story. Luckily for me I am in charge here so I can in fact have my cake and eat it. Then I liked the idea of Steve saving Tony but Tony also making the choice to live, so I did both. Because both is good.
> 
> However long it takes, Tony and Peter is coming.


	14. Tony And Peter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post "Attack The Titan". Tony finally, finally get to see Peter.

Bucky Barnes is holding him down by his throat as Pepper is injected with Extremis. She glows and screams and Barnes holds him down with one hand. His human hand, the same one that killed Tony’s mother, tight around his neck.

 

Suddenly Barnes lets go and he is falling and Pepper is falling and Rhodey and Peter are there too and falling, falling. The wind whips through Tony’s hair until suddenly it doesn’t and he is caught and safe in the arms of the Hulk but RhodeyPepperPeter are still falling faster and faster towards the ground and the ground is on fire and Tony is screaming and struggling but the Hulk just cradles him gently and oh so softly strokes his hair and they’re falling and falling and falling and-

 

There are hands on his shoulders and someone shouts his name and he opens his eyes and sees the kid.

 

Normally Tony’s brain is so fast, processing a hundred different things at once and running through scenarios and calculations and reading what people mean from what they say but right now there is only one word running through his mind, one word rattling throughout his whole body:

 

_Peter._

 

He’s still freaking out but he needs to let the kid know that it’s okay, that he’s so fucking happy to see him, that frankly it’s a little ridiculous that it took Peter actually dying before he’d call him Tony, so he forces a laugh.

 

“Fucking finally,” he says and that’s not what he wants to say but it’s better than letting the kid know that the dream still has its claws in him and his lungs aren’t working right.

 

“I’m sorry Mr Stark but you were having a nightmare and I just thought-” says Peter.

 

Tony interrupts him. “Don’t start that again, you just called me Tony,” he says, and his jaw is wired shut with thick bands of anxiety but he thinks he sounds pretty normal.

 

“Thank you for saving me,” the kid says. “I’m really pleased you’re awake.”

 

_Screw it,_ thinks Tony.

 

“Just come here Pete.”

 

Peter doesn’t hesitate. His arms wrap around Tony’s neck and he’s warm and alive and there and _thank you thank you thank you thank you._ He doesn’t know who he’s thanking but he’s just so grateful the kid is back. He’s crying but Peter is too so that’s alright. Tony has only one arm to pull the kid to him but somehow that’s alright as well. Suddenly Peter stiffens and pulls away.

 

“I made you something!” He says, and his face is wet but his eyes are shining.

 

There’s a backpack discarded by the door and Peter runs to it. Tony cranes his neck until it’s uncomfortable but he can’t see what the kid is doing. He turns around and holds something aloft eagerly. _It’s... blueprints?_

 

Peter unrolls them on Tony’s lap and sits down next to him. He stares at his face in anticipation, fingers tapping his knees and jiggling slightly in his seat. Tony leans forward. It makes his whole body shoot with pain but it’s worth it.

 

The kid has designed Tony an arm. It isn’t perfect but the idea is sound, ingenious actually. He pours over the schematics. This could work, it could be revolutionary. Peter has even included some workable theories on how to introduce touch and heat sensitivity. Tony always knew the kid was smart but this is incredible. Something warm and fierce builds inside of him. He’s so damn proud of this kid.

 

Outwardly the arm is familiar. It’s metal and looks like a cross between an Iron Man gauntlet and...

 

“Do you like it?” Peter is saying. “Sergeant Bucky let me study his arm so I could get a head start. He said it was the least he could do but he doesn’t like to talk much so I never found out why. I guess it was something to do with Germany? Sorry I know you don’t like to talk about that. Anyways I know it’s not the best but-“

 

_Sergeant Bucky?_ Tony is forcibly reminded once again of just how long he’s been asleep. His guilt is trying to get his attention, something about Steve and Barnes and _the least he could do,_ but Peter is looking at him in a way that is almost scared even as he carries on talking.

 

“It’s great kid,” he says. “Beyond great. I never would have thought of some of this.”

 

Part of his mind is already adapting the design, thinking about the best way to get it to interface with his brain, trying to integrate what he’d learnt from Nebula’s bio-cybernetics, wondering how soon it will be before they can mass produce it.

 

_Does Peter know how many lives he’s changed with this one drawing?_ Tony wonders.

 

“I’ll trade the lab space if you let me help with the prototype,” he continues.

 

Peter gapes at him. His ears are flushed red and his mouth opens and closes several times without noise. Finally he manages to force out “It’s just a rough draft.”

 

“Then it’s an excellent rough draft,” says Tony.

 

“Really Mr Stark it’s not even that good. You could probably think of a million ways to improve it. You probably already have,” the kid says, avoiding his eyes and fiddling with the corner of the blueprint.

 

“Well yeah, I’m Tony Stark. But kid, I’d be proud if I turned this out at your age. Fuck, I’d be proud if I turned it out now.”

 

“I... Wow. Thanks Mr Stark,” says Peter.

 

It’s all very familiar. It’s comforting and easy and things are going to be different now but they’re going to be good. The kid is here and Pepper is just in the other room and soon he’s going to have a _daughter_ and the nightmares aren’t going anywhere and his guilt still twists and clenches in the pit of his stomach and he aches all over all of the time and he’s missing a fucking arm but things might just work out anyway.

 

“Kid, it’s Tony,” he says, because it’s easier than saying all he’s thinking.

 

Peter smiles and says, “Sorry Mr Stark, no can do.”

 

Tony figures that means the kid gets it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You get a double whammy of these, the next chapter is Peter's perspective. I wrote both you get both.


	15. Peter And Tony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post "Attack The Titan". Peter finally, finally gets to see Tony.

Mr Stark is asleep when he walks in and for a second Peter thinks it is all one cruel joke. Ms Potts wouldn’t do that but maybe he’d imagined that one line two word text, all caps:

 

_HE’S AWAKE_

 

Then Tony stirs and twitches unhappily and Peter’s heart lurches in his chest. He runs through what he’d planned to say in his head for the millionth time: _Hi Mr Stark. Thank you for saving me. I’m really pleased you’re awake._ Nice and simple. No room for babbling or even worse crying. Peter is determined not to cry.

 

All that is tossed out the window when Tony screams. Sweat glistens on his forehead and his scarred chest, which would be bare but for the bandages and monitoring pads and the arc reactor no one has dared touch. His hand clutches at the bedsheets and he just keeps screaming.

 

Every instinct in Peter’s body, spider and otherwise, is shouting for him to run, run away from Mr Stark and that awful noise and Peter desperately wants to. But the part of him that he privately thinks of as Spider-Man is insistently whispering: _A nightmare, it’s just a nightmare. Help him Peter. Help him._

 

“Mr Stark,” says Peter, taking a step forward. Then again, louder, “Mr Stark!” Peter reaches the bed and holds the older man down to stop his thrashing.

 

 _That’s good,_ says Spider-Man. _Don’t let him knock out the IV._

 

“TONY!” He shouts desperately.

 

The man jerks awake. He blinks rapidly and stares at Peter. He starts to laugh. He actually starts to laugh. It’s a horrible unconvincing sound.

 

“Fucking finally,” he says.

 

“I’m sorry Mr Stark but you were having a nightmare and I just thought-” says Peter, the words tripping over each other in their haste to get out of his mouth.

 

“Don’t start that again, you just called me Tony,” he says. Mr Stark is speaking through clenched teeth and his face is ashen but he’s trying, he’s trying so hard to act like himself and Peter doesn’t know if he wants to hug or hit him for it.

 

The heart monitor is beeping way too fast and Peter doesn’t know how to help. He hates feeling useless so much. So he falls back on his script.

 

“Thank you for saving me. I’m really pleased you’re awake,” he says.

 

Peter hadn’t realised until he hears them, but he’s been waiting for Tony’s next words for nearly four months.

 

“Just come here Pete.”

 

His forehead presses against the older man’s shoulder as he hugs him and he can’t hold back the thick sobs that shake his whole frame. He doesn’t even want to because Tony is crying too and maybe, just maybe, Tony missed Peter as much as Peter missed him. Maybe even more. He’s brought an arm up to clutch Peter to him and he’d forgotten, Peter had really forgotten after everything. He pulls away.

 

“I made you something!” He says.

 

 _Please please please let him like it,_ he thinks as he roots through his backpack. _Please._

 

He waves the blueprints over his head in excitement when he finds them and runs to spread them out over Mr Stark’s legs.

 

“Do you like it?” Asks Peter, his heart humming in his throat. He tries to read the man’s expression but he just scans the designs analytically without saying anything. Then Tony’s eyebrow quirks slightly in recognition and Peter has to fill up the silence with words.

 

“Sergeant Bucky let me study his arm so I could get a head start. He said it was the least he could do but he doesn’t say much so I never found out why. I guess it was something to do with Germany?” He mentally kicks himself, Mr Stark has always been weird about Germany. “Sorry I know you don’t like to talk about that. Anyways I know it’s not the best but-”

 

“It’s great kid,” interrupts Mr Stark. “Beyond great. I never would have thought of some of this.”

 

It’s a feeling like cold water splashing unexpectedly on the back of his neck and trickling down his spine, but good. Overwhelming. Not surprising though. Tony has always been supportive. He’s always said Peter was smart. This isn’t a surprise. It’s just that he’s missed this. Peter’s missed this so much and part of him thought he’d never have it again. He’d convinced himself that Tony would never wake up but he has and he’s here and Peter missed him so much.

 

“I’ll trade the lab space if you let me help with the prototype,” Tony continues as if it’s nothing. As if he isn’t fitting the world back into its proper place with every word.

 

“It’s just a rough draft,” says Peter because he has to say something and the design isn’t half finished and anyway he’s not a genius like Mr Stark.

 

“Then it’s an excellent rough draft.”

 

Peter can feel the tips of his ears burning. He focuses on his name at the bottom of the blueprint, running his thumb over it again and again.

 

“Really Mr Stark it’s not even that good. You could probably think of a million ways to improve it. You probably already have,” he says, daring the man to disagree but not daring to meet his eyes.

 

“Well yeah, I’m Tony Stark. But kid, I’d be proud if I turned this out at your age. Fuck, I’d be proud if I turned it out now,” he says, and Tony finally sounds like Tony, like himself, like he might actually be okay and he’s not just pretending.

 

“I...” says Peter, he’s glad that Tony likes it, of course he is, but what he’s even more grateful for is that things just seem to be snapping back into the way they were before. The hope Peter has been desperately holding onto for the future turns into belief. “Wow. Thanks Mr Stark,” is all he can say.

 

“Kid, it’s Tony.”

 

“Sorry Mr Stark,” says Peter because some things should stay the same, even if too much has happened for everything, for everyone, to survive. “No can do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you are I guess. 
> 
> Fuck me writing the reunion was hard. I did enjoy exploring their different thought processes and reactions to the same situation and showing that they're on pretty similar wavelengths, but god this was tricky. The thing about Tony and Peter is neither of them actually articulate their emotions that well, so it's all about striking the balance between being true to their characters and giving you the reunion you deserve. I didn't want them to just fall into each others arms sobbing (although there was a bit of that) because I don't think they would, especially in the situation I've set up in this fic. They had to show each other they care in other ways. So yeah. I really hoped you liked it and it lived up to your expectations.
> 
> I’ve actually reached the point where I’m having dreams about Tony Stark. It could be worse I guess.
> 
> Next time it's a Peter and Rhodey moment. Then I'm gonna start hopping all over the place in terms of timeline. The Snapshots have never been particularly linear but I'll be going way back to Iron Man 1 at some point and then waaay into the future and basically chronology is gonna go right out the window. Exciting, right?


	16. Peter And Rhodey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post "Attack The Titan". Pre Tony waking up.
> 
> War Machine has been stalking Spider-Man.

“Dude,” whispers Ned to him one day as the last school bell rings. “I think War Machine is totally stalking you.”

 

Peter habitually glances over his shoulder to check no one is listening before he answers. “Yeah, I know.”

 

“What?” Ned’s eyes have gone very wide and he leans in close to Peter. “What do you mean you know? How are you being so cool about this?”

 

Peter sighs as they reach his locker. He busies himself with switching out his textbooks for the ones he needs tonight, but Ned isn’t ready to drop the subject.

 

“Dude,” he repeats emphatically. “What gives?”

 

Peter hugs his books to his chest. “I think he’s just looking out for me. Mr Stark isn’t here and-” He swallows the lump of grief that’s suddenly formed in his throat. “He’s just looking out for me until Mr Stark wakes up is all.”

 

“I think you should talk to him,” says Ned, looking at Peter sympathetically.

 

“What? No!” He has to remind himself not to shout. “I’ve met him like, three times. I can’t just go up to War Machine and say ‘Hey, big fan, I’ve noticed you’ve been following me around on patrols. What’s up with that?’ I would _die_.”

 

“Okay, okay,” says Ned. “I’m just saying maybe he’s having a hard time. His best friend is in a coma after literally saving the entire universe. That’s gotta be tough.”

 

Peter doesn’t miss the strange look that crosses over his friend’s face and he thinks of those few months where Peter and MJ were both gone and Ned must have felt so incredibly alone.

 

“Okay,” says Peter, shifting his now full bag onto his back. “I’ll talk to him. If I die from embarrassment I wanna be buried not cremated and you’ve gotta give a speech at my funeral that lasts at least fifteen minutes.”

 

For a second Peter worries that it’s still too soon for jokes like that, but then Ned laughs and everything is normal again.

 

It takes a few days for him to gather the courage to do something about it, but then during one of his patrols he notices War Machine flying in low circles around his general area. _Shit,_ Peter thinks. _I’m gonna do it._ He swings up to a nearby rooftop and sits with his legs dangling off the edge.

 

“Uh Karen, could you patch me into War Machine’s coms please?”

 

“Of course Peter,” the AI’s voice is as smooth and warm as ever. There’s a slight buzzing sound. “Okay you’re connected.”

 

“Hey Mr War Machine Sir,” he says, cringing slightly at the sound of his own voice. “Do you maybe wanna come down and talk?”

 

 _Very cool Peter,_ he admonishes himself. _Super cool superhero, well done._

 

“Shit kid, you trying to shock me outta the sky?”

 

“Sorry! I just thought that maybe you might want to- I mean I know I could use- It’s just that Ned said you might-” Peter wonders where his ability to make coherent sentences has gone.

 

“Alright kid don’t hurt yourself, I’m coming down,” says War Machine.

 

It takes longer for Colonel Rhodes to disengage from the suit than Tony did. Does. He’s not sure he really believes the man is going to wake up anymore, but Ms Potts and Happy and now War Machine all need him to be hopeful. And Peter is hopeful. Peter has always been hopeful. Peter will hope until his very last breath and possibly even beyond.

 

But hoping and believing are different things entirely.

 

“Hi Colonel Rhodes,” he says. The man’s braces whirr mechanically as he awkwardly manoeuvres them so he can sit beside him. Peter pulls of his mask.

 

“Hey Peter. Everything okay?”

 

That’s almost funny. Peter’s always okay, it’s everyone else falling apart around him that he’s trying to fix.

 

“I’m fine, it’s just I’ve been seeing you around a lot and I wanted to see if you needed to talk. I know you must be missing Mr Stark. I mean I’m missing him and I haven’t know him anywhere near as long as you...” He trails off because Colonel Rhodes is staring at him incredulously.

 

“You’re checking up on me kid?” He says.

 

“It’s not that it’s not awesome knowing you have my back Colonel Rhodes Sir, it’s just that I’m not sure following me around is entirely... healthy?” Peter winces when he says that, then realises he’s got to dig himself even deeper into this hole. “I mean... shouldn’t you just go visit Mr Stark?”

 

To his surprise, Colonel Rhodes doesn’t get mad. He just sighs heavily and says “Yeah, I should.” He looks out across the city and Peter follows his gaze. In the distance, glowing like a beacon in the night, is the old Avengers Tower. It rises above the other buildings like a lighthouse, like hope. Or at least it used to. Now it’s just an empty suit.

 

“But it’s not Tony,” says Colonel Rhodes. “In that bed is not Tony. It’s a body.” His voice is low and fervent and ferocious. “I don’t give up on him. He’s been dead before. He’s come back before. Tony isn’t someone you just give up on, but I saw him die out there. And this time I can’t bring him home.” He pauses for a long while and shakes his head slightly. “But I don’t give up on Tony Stark.”

 

“So if you don’t see him you won’t give up on him?” says Peter.

 

The Colonel sighs again and drags a hand down his face. “Shit kid, you’re the last person I should be talking to about this,” he says.

 

“I’m scared,” says Peter on impulse and it’s true, he’s never said anything more true. “I’m scared every day that he’s gonna die and I’m never gonna get to say goodbye or thank you or anything. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why just cause you’re older you’re supposed to know either.”

 

Colonel Rhodes laughs suddenly. “Thanks for the pep talk kid. But yeah I totally caught you calling me old.”

 

Peter is suddenly at the bottom of a whole other hole, one he didn’t even know he’d been digging. He called War Machine _old_. This is almost as bad as the time he’d asked the Valkyrie if Loki was still evil and then found out they were dating.

 

 _I should have told Ned his speech has to be fifty minutes,_ he thinks through the haze of embarrassment.

 

The Colonel is still laughing at him. He claps a warm hand on Peter’s back. “You’re fine Peter, we’re good,” he says, then his tone turns serious. “I should probably stop crashing your patrols.”

 

“Actually I’ve been thinking and Mr Stark had all sorts of protocols and stuff set up if I get in trouble, maybe we could ask Karen to give you access?”

 

“Who’s Karen?” Says Colonel Rhodes.

 

“She’s my AI!” Peter says, relieved to be on a topic less likely to make him shoot himself in the foot. “Mr Stark made her. She’s very nice. She kinda... looks after me I guess? Helps me with missions, stuff like that.”

 

“He gave you an AI?” The Colonel’s voice is strained and somehow Peter’s messed up again.

 

“Yeah?” He says. “Should I not have said anything? Mr Stark never said she was supposed to be a secret but-“

 

“No, you’re fine. He must trust you a lot kid.”

 

“Oh,” says Peter. The ache of missing Mr Stark even though he’s right there in a hospital on the other side of the city intensifies horribly. It feels like rubble pressing into his shoulders and if Colonel Rhodes weren’t there he’d let himself cry.

 

“That was a good idea,” the man says gently. “FRIDAY and Karen can set that up and I’ll be outta your hair.”

 

His braces click and hum as he stands up and makes his way back to the waiting suit. Peter has a moment of deliberation.

 

 _I can’t actually embarrass myself more,_ he thinks.

 

“We could do this again sometime?” Says Peter.

 

The Colonel steps into the suit and it folds itself around him. “What, you think I hang out on windy rooftops for fun?” He says. “I can’t feel my fingers.”

 

 _Oh,_ thinks Peter. _I guess I can._

 

War Machine’s faceplate snaps down and his eyes light up. Peter has seen Tony do the same thing a hundred times but it’s still the coolest thing in the world.

 

“Nah kid, I’ll see you on the ground,” he says, and launches himself into the sky.

_Holy shit he’s secretly just as dramatic as Mr Stark,_ thinks Peter in awe.

 

He tugs his mask back over his face and groans when he sees a blinking red light in the corner of his vision. He’s missed curfew again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii kids. Did you know I nearly died trying to work out whether Peter calls our boy Tony or Mr Stark in his internal monologue? In the end I went with both but idk.
> 
> Also I think cremations might become less popular as a funeral option in the MCU after the snap.
> 
> Snapshots updates might slow down a little now. This series could go on forever (and if there's anything you'd like to see I'm open to suggestions) so I'll still update it, and there's the AU of the Tony and Yinsen chapter coming as well. BUT. BUT. Another fic has started forming in my brain. I don't wanna say too much about it but it would be Post-Infinity War fic like this one and Val and Tony and Nebs would still be friends but things would go very differently and I'm going to take a comics villain that I know nothing about and then change them up to fit my story. Pepper would also get her own weird-friendship trio because she deserves one and apparently I just love putting people together who will never interact in the MCU. If all goes to plan it will be a traditional multi-chapter dealio. I'm still working out the idea though so we'll see.
> 
> I'm going to see Hamilton tomorrow! I'm gonna cry the entire time and my Mum is coming with me and she's going to HATE it.


	17. May And Valkyrie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of "Attack The Titan". May reunites with her nephew.

May goes weak at the knees when she hears Peter’s voice. It stops her in her tracks just before pushing open the waiting room door. He sounds... old. Adult. He’s seventeen, he shouldn’t be sounding so grown up and tired.  
  
“I can’t,” he’s saying. “I’ve already tried. I know Mr Stark would want me to but I _can’t_.”  
  
“Alright,” says a voice with an unfamiliar accent. “I’ll just get Loki to make you. You know I would.”  
  
May’s gut clenches. She remembers Loki, everyone from New York does, and the idea of them anywhere near her boy has her blood boiling. She bursts into the room ready to throw herself between Peter and harms way. Instead she is confronted by the sight of a beautiful woman with her arm in a sling, brandishing a blanket at her nephew.  
  
“May!” Peter cries, and flings himself at her.  
  
It’s been so long and May is finally prepared to let herself feel it. It’s alright to let herself feel his loss now he’s in her arms. He’s okay. He’s okay. He’s okay. Relief crashes into her and over her and under her, lifting her off her feet until she’s floating in the feeling of how incredibly okay he is. At least physically. She pulls away from the hug to look at his face.  
  
Peter’s not good at hiding his emotions, he never has been, especially not from her. The worrying thing is that he’s not even trying and she can clearly read one feeling written all across his face. He’s scared. Even after the universe has been saved he’s still so scared. May wants to wrap him up in her arms again and promise that whatever is frightening him will never get past her, but she can tell that’s not what he wants. He lets go of her and turns his face away.  
  
“This is Ms... er... Lady? Erm...” Peter trails off uncertainly.  
  
The woman with the blanket rolls her eyes. “Just Valkyrie,” she says.  
  
“She saved my life,” Peter adds.  
  
“I’d have let you take that spear if I’d known you were just going to go and kill yourself not sleeping,” says Valkyrie, her tone less annoyed than the words imply.  
  
“He’s not been sleeping?” Asks May automatically, parental instincts a hard habit to kick.  
  
“And this is my aunt,” says Peter, a little desperately.  
  
Valkyrie hands her the blanket and sits down on one of the waiting room chairs. She has the air of someone who is only not dangerous at the moment because they don’t need to be. May notices her strange, almost medieval, clothing and thinks about how she mentioned Loki. _She’s not from Earth,_ she realises.  
  
“I appreciate anything you’ve done for Peter,” says May tightly. “But if I ever hear you threaten him again that won’t help you.”  
  
Peter gasps but she is watching Valkyrie. She seems almost amused by her, but there’s an unspoken disquiet glinting in her eyes. May doesn’t think it’s about her.  
  
“No May,” says Peter, gripping her hand and pulling her gently to look at him. He has the same expression of distracted worry as Valkyrie. “Loki was helping us! They kinda saved me too. I think.”  
  
“Loki has mind-magic,” says the other woman. “They can make a person sleep. It’s harmless.” She stops and seems to remember who they’re talking about. “Probably.”  
  
May is out of her depth. She has been since she found out about Spider-Man and Tony Stark had appeared on her doorstep wearing sunglasses and an appropriately apologetic grin and let her yell at him until he could explain. His explanation hadn’t been enough and he’d seemed to know that, but the months that followed where he’d demonstrated time and time again just how much he cared for Peter had been. Though she isn’t sure Tony ever did know that. She should tell him.  
  
_Where_ is _Tony?_ She suddenly thinks. She’d assumed he’d be with Peter. Part of May is grateful that it wasn’t her arms her child had crumbled in, part of her aches that she wasn’t there to comfort him. Either way, she hadn’t expected losing him to do what it had to Tony and after that she’s surprised he’s let Peter out of his sight. She’s also surprised her nephew isn’t in a proper bedroom, not a random waiting area of the Wakandan palace with an intimidating stranger.   
  
“Peter,” May says gently. “Wouldn’t you have better luck trying to sleep in a bed?”  
  
Valkyrie makes a skeptical huff.  
  
“I can’t! I have to be here when he wakes up!” Says Peter.  
  
“He’s not going to wake up anytime soon,” replies Valkyrie, leaning back in her chair and closing her eyes pointedly.  
  
“Then why are you here?” Snaps Peter in a way that’s completely unlike him.   
  
The woman opens one eye to glare at him but doesn’t say anything.  
  
“Who exactly are we waiting to wake up?” Asks May, although a sinking feeling in her stomach is telling her she already knows.  
  
“Tony,” says Valkyrie, quick and flat. She doesn’t move from her strange stretched out sitting position. It looks uncomfortable.  
  
“He saved everyone,” says Peter reverently. “He saved the universe.” His voice is filled with unshed tears. “But he got hurt pretty bad.”  
  
“Oh,” says May, because she can’t think of anything else. Then something that has been bothering her clicks into place. “This is why you didn’t meet me off the plane? You were waiting for Tony?”  
  
Peter can’t meet her eyes. “Yeah, sorry.” He mumbles.  
  
_It isn’t over,_ thinks May. She looks at her nephew. He’s pale, and the circles under his eyes are so pronounced they look bruised. He needs to sleep. He needs to sleep because his fight isn’t done until Tony Stark wakes up.  
  
“Come here,” she says, sitting down and holding her arms open for him.  
  
He’s a teenage boy so he sits next to her instead, but he lays his head on her shoulder and doesn’t complain when she drapes the blanket over him. May wraps an arm around his shoulders and Peter heaves a heavy sigh. He falls asleep almost immediately.  
  
They sit in silence for a while.   
  
Valkyrie keeps her eyes closed but May can tell that she’s still awake. There’s a tension coiled tight through her whole body that betrays her.  
  
“I’m May Parker,” says May. “I think Pete forgot to actually say my name when he introduced us.” She makes that awkward smalltalk laugh that everyone does when the joke isn’t funny but they’re expected to laugh anyway.  
  
There’s no response from Valkyrie, she doesn’t even open her eyes. The clear dismissal irritates May.  
  
“You’re being very rude,” she says.  
  
Valkyrie’s eyes do open at that. “Am I?” She says dangerously, tilting her head to one side.  
  
May sighs. This isn’t the way. “Thank you for looking after him,” she says, and means it.  
  
Valkyrie’s jaw tightens but she doesn’t say anything. May can feel the beginnings of an awkward pause building between them and she won’t have that, something in her is insisting that this near stranger needs something from her.  
  
“Is Pepper with Tony?” She asks.  
  
The strain in Valkyrie’s jaw is still building but she nods. May suddenly sees a teenager unwilling to cry sitting opposite her, not an alien warrior. She knows how to handle this.  
  
Leaning back on her chair she pulls out her phone and takes a quick selfie with the sleeping Peter. He’s beginning to drool on her shirt and the photo will mortify him. Automatically she starts to send it to Tony, then stops and frowns at her phone. From the corner of her eye she can see Valkyrie regarding her warily. May decides that Tony will appreciate the picture when he wakes up and she should act as if that’s going to happen.  
  
“He’s my responsibility,” says Valkyrie and May has to suppress a victorious smile. Feigning disinterest always makes Peter open up. The one time she tried it, it worked on Tony too.   
  
“Oh?” She says softly, and hopes she looks comforting.  
  
“He treats everything like it’s his responsibility. Someone should be looking out for him too. That’s me.”  
  
May gets it. The powerlessness and the desperation and the uselessness of love as a protection are very familiar to her. She has no idea what Tony could have done to inspire that affection in this strange angry woman but she doesn’t doubt for a second that he deserves it.  
  
Before she knows it, May is shifting Peter off of her and stepping towards Valkyrie. She reaches out and pulls the other woman up out of her seat and into a hug. For a long moment she’s stiff in her arms until May brings a hand up to gently cup the back of her head.  
  
Strong arms wrap around her waist and the Valkyrie weeps into her shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you can see, i am not dead
> 
> and neither is this story
> 
> i'll try and reply to all the comments asap. i really do treasure every one


End file.
